The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
You Might Also Like
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Just me?
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.