Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
did it work
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them