DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
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I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Home #decor warning.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A