as is their right
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My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed