There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
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youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.