Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
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Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.