“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.