Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Good morning y’all ☀️
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms