COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
You Might Also Like
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
See..?
.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
May have had one breakfast too many
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Just why bro?!