Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
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first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.