Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
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My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Just how popey was the pope today?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.