*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
They also CAN sing✌️
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.