ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.