Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
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I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.