People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
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i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
FINE, I WON’T.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.