only writing recipes in wordart from now on
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Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I donât even have a horseâŚ
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Showering is the worst. You mean Iâve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. Itâs been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You canât even play a phone game.
Every Beastie Boys song is like âthree little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look niceâ
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Youâre doing a great job looking at your phone
Last weekend at a friendâs house I shouted âAlexa! play the last argumentâ and they both panicked
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
âUmmmm whereâd my wheel go??â[Jesusâ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! đ
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
*at bar*
Guy, âDo you come here often?â
Me, âIâm a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.â
Guy, âIâll just leave you alone then.â
Me, âWas it something I said?â
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why âyou were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperorâs new Groove but it was kinda good so I didnât fail youâ so thats how im doing
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
I donât care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain ifâŚ
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?âŚSay it
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars itâs just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.