People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.