LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
When the stylist spins you back around
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Challenge accepted.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine