If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
You Might Also Like
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year