I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
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HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
okay run it by me one more time
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.