If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: