me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Don’t make me out nice you.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text