Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
yeah not falling for this one
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music