My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
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Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
no regrets
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.