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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
#FunnyLife Insects
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.