I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
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TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation