I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
You Might Also Like
My dog learned how to text
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem