DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.