I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
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@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
The Book. The Movie.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah