I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
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[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
All food is good if you spell it wrong