Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
How it started: How it’s going:
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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