How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
You Might Also Like
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that