Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
You Might Also Like
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Left at a local drug store…
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
good morning
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes