“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
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“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.