It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
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Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made