I’ve disappointed better people.
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You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.