You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
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My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Seals are just dog mermaids.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.