Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
You Might Also Like
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!