You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling