twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
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Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.