[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I am yelling