Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
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Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Otters see a butterfly.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”