I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
You Might Also Like
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still