Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I have no passwords left in me
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
If a snake ate a cake
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”