me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
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My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Natural selection at its finest
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.