Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
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it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.