I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
You Might Also Like
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
#NeverForget
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass