[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.