Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?