My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
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2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
So glad we cleared that up
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
how it started vs how it ended
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.